Uta much Crack sama 3000 percent BS - A Compilation of Short Cracks
by Burnt Parchment
Summary: I'm sorry but not really. Some stories may be considered mature for some readers.
1. Syoberry Milkshake and Yogi Glasses

Lemme explain. Me and this one kid who doesn't have an account here decided to wrote fanfic drabbles about random uta no prince sama ships using random prompts from cards of humanity. I'm very sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so very very sorry.

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Prompt Card: Daddy, why is mommy crying?

Answer: Spectacular abs

Ship: Kurusu Syo x Shinomiya Natsuki

Author: Sophie (account owner)

It was one in the afternoon, and Syo and Natsuki were still in bed. Syo groaned as Satsuki smiled, slowly tracing kisses down his chest.

"Satsukiiiiii," Syo protested between moans.

"Yes my little strawberry milkshake fairy?" Satsuki smirked as he leaned back, his elbows on either side of Syo.

"Don't you think it's about time we went downstairs? Our little girl Haruka must be bored by now..."

"Aren't you the one who pulled me into bed?" Satsuki replied with a grin before he began kissing Syo's jawline.

"Well yeah, but that was...two hours ago," replied Syo, having trouble keeping focus.

"It's only been about an hour for me," Satusuki said with a pouty face, "the glasses were on half the time."

"I know, but I only put on episode four of Free! for Haruka...it must be...over..." he began while Satsuki twirled his hair in his fingers and smiled, their lips inches away from each other. Syo started to forget why he wanted to leave in the first place.

"Come on, ten more minutes?" Satsuki whispered in Syo's ear, "I'll make it worth it."

"Five can't hurt..." Syo trailed off, drowning in Satsuki's kisses. They were so enveloped in each other that they didn't hear the door creak open, the pit pat of little feet. They only looked up when a small squeak escaped the young girl's mouth. Satsuki began to laugh as Syo frantically searched for the glasses between the sheets. As soon as he found them, Syo threw the glasses on Satsuki's face. Natsuki sat there speechless for a moment, looking from his naked self to Syo's dumbfounded expression to his daughter's look of horror before breaking down in tears. The little girl cocked her head with a worried look.

"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" she asked. Syo didn't know what to say at the moment. Then the situation hit him full blast, and all he could do was laugh. He laughed and laughed before he finely composed himself enough to speak.

"Mommy just couldn't take the sight of daddy's spectacular abs, that's all. Why don't you go watch some Shingeki no Kyokin or something Haruka? We'll come downstairs in a minute."

Still looking a bit confused, the girl said, "Okay," before running out of the room. Natsuki had calmed down now, his head in his hands.

"Our baby has lost her innocence!" He cried. Syo patted his back comfortingly.

"Come on now Natsuki. We knew this would happen someday soon. She's best friends with Ren's son after all."

**Coming up next time:**

Prompt Card: _; kid-tested, mother approved

Answer: Passive-aggressive Post-it notes

Ship: Hijirikawa Masato x Jinguji Ren

Author: Madison (gaylord)


	2. Manslut and Bitchboy

Prompt Card: _; kid-tested, mother approved

Answer: Passive-aggressive Post-it notes

Ship: Hijirikawa Masato x Jinguji Ren

Author: Madison (gaylord)

_Hey Choppy, I left you dinner in the fridge. Have 2 work today. P.S. Like your hair ;P - Ren_

The note had no real ill-intentions, but Masato was not having any shit tonight. Niitori had begged him to read him stories to bed and he was tired.

_Hey Barbie, my hair is fabulous. Y did u leave for work so early today? U know the kid kept me up. P.S. When did you last get your hair cut?_

_- Masato_

Masato had no reason to take his exhaustion out on Ren, but he had to get some release, right? He decided to leave more of the notes around the house.

_Blondie, you see this laundry? Yeah I'm not going to do it. Do it or no sex. - Masato_

_You left your Nair on my sink. Get it the fuck off or you'll wake up bald. Why were you using it over my sink anyway? - Masato_

_Jingle bells, your ass smells, scrub that shit up good or pain. - Masato_

_Niitori has lice. Probably because of your long-ass locks, Twinkles Toes - Masato_

_Don't forget your protein shake. Don't wanna lose that #modelstatus. You better drink it- my blood sweat and tears went into it. Quite literally._

_- Masato_

Masato had written quite a few notes before he heard a crashing sound and a panicked "Niitori!".

Masato walked over to the kitchen, finding his son sitting on the floor with tears brimming his eyes. Ren was crouched on the ground, speaking to Niitori.

"Niitori, what have we told you about you climbing things taller than you?" Ren asked.

"To not to..?"

"Good. Why were up there anyway?"

"I wanted to read the notes that Daddy and Mommy were having."

Masato turned his eyes to the fridge. Below the note he had left for Ren, there was one tiny note.

_Nice notes. Let's sex ;) - Mommy_

"Mommy, what does sex mean?"

**Coming up next time:**

Prompt Card: _. Betcha just can't have one!

Answer: Waking up half-naked in Denny's parking lot.

Ship: Aijima Cecil x Ichinose Tokiya

Author: Sophieee


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